Disclaimer: I have a feeling I’m gonna take a lot of shit for this piece. Probably loose my lucrative Disney sponsorship, in the process. But, what the hell, right?!?!? YOLO! We’re just having a lil fun here. I love WDW probably more than most of you. I’ve taken my kids there several times (Sarah being there the most…at least 5 times). So, make sure your sense of humor is firmly in place before moving any further…
A friend of mine once had a brilliant observation about Walt Disney World. So brilliant that it certainly bears repeating, many times over. Against popular notion, advertising and marketing…Disney World is NOT for kids. I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: What the hell is wrong with you? Disney World isn’t for kids? Are you crazy?!?!? It’s built for kids, you idiot. It’s based on all those stupid fairy tales. It’s got characters running around the place, not to mention all those non-threatening, non-thrill rides. You, sir, are a dope.
Look, if that’s what you’re thinking, then I’m not the only idiot marketing works on. Sure, on the surface Disney World SEEMS like it IS for kids. It’s got all the goofy rides (get it? Goofy? Hee hee!) and the great theming and store after store after shop after cart after vending machine full of overpriced crap that kids just love. But, believe you me…DISNEY WORLD AIN’T FOR KIDS. And you’ve got to have your head examined if you’re considering taking your kids there.
So the question remains…if it seems like it’s for kids, then why isn’t it? Well, I can sum it up in one word for you, but take several articles to explain it: Overload. It’s too much, plain and simple. Too much to do, too much to look at, too much to eat, buy, absorb…what have you. OVERLOAD.
First of all, the place is huge. It’s twice the size of Manhattan. Wait, let me type that a bit slower for you. ‘Cause I know that it didn’t sink in. Walt Disney World is more than twice the size of Manhattan. It’s got four major parks, 3 water parks, golf courses, more hotel rooms then there are fake boobs in LA (not that i’ve ever been to LA. just what i hear on tv. there seems to be a lot of fake breasts out there.). The Magic Kingdom is 107 acres. Animal Kingdom is over 500 acres. I can’t find the acreage of the other 2 parks (cause i’m far too lazy to do that much research. let’s face it, there’s only so much leg work i’m willing to put in. sorry.). But, for argument’s sake, let’s just say Epcot’s got to be four times the size of the Magic Kingdom. And the Disney Studios? Well, the Disney Studios is the “Pluto” of theme parks. It’s not quite big enough to be a planet, but it’s too big to be classified as anything else.
What I’m getting at in my typically long winded sort of way is that’s a shitload of walking in front of you. That’s a lot of walking for a normal person. But a kid with short, puny legs? After five minutes the ‘lil darlings will be complaining how much their legs hurt.
“Daddddyyyy, my feet reallllllllyyyyy hurt!”
“I swear to all that’s good and holy, if anyone else complains how much their feet hurt, I’m really gonna give them something to complain about.”
Hey, feel free to use that last statement. No charge, either. It’s a spin on a classic, updated just for your trip to WDW.
Ok. So, now you’re thinking just bring a stroller, right? Great idea! It’s something else you can lug around with you on the bus, or monorail or ferry boat. Can always rent one, but be prepared to shell out more of your hard earned money (Hold on. Hold on. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself with the shelling out of the monies, just yet. Your friendly neighborhood jman needs to stay focused here. Focused. Let’s just stick to the topic at hand).
Maybe now you’re kidding yourself by thinking lil Johnny or lil Kelly can just hoof it, because “they’re old enough”. LMAO!!! You were thinking that, weren’t you?!?!? Unless lil Johnny/Kelly is an adult, you better bring yourself two strollers. Or break into the other kid’s college fund so you can rent two strollers. Trust me. Or you’ll be totally hating yourself 20 minutes into your first day in your first park….
Move along…part 2 is waitin’ for you!