Disney World Ain’t for Kids. PT1

Disclaimer:  I have a feeling I’m gonna take a lot of shit for this piece.  Probably loose my lucrative Disney sponsorship, in the process.  But, what the hell, right?!?!?  YOLO!  We’re just having a lil fun here.  I love WDW probably more than most of you.  I’ve taken my kids there several times (Sarah being there the most…at least 5 times). So, make sure your sense of humor is firmly in place before moving any further…

take my word for it, by the time you reach this point in the park, you’ll be wishing you left the kids with your folks

A friend of mine once had a brilliant observation about Walt Disney World. So brilliant that it certainly bears repeating, many times over.  Against popular notion, advertising and marketing…Disney World is NOT for kids. I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking:  What the hell is wrong with you?  Disney World isn’t for kids?  Are you crazy?!?!?  It’s built for kids, you idiot.  It’s based on all those stupid fairy tales.  It’s got characters running around the place, not to mention all those non-threatening, non-thrill rides.  You, sir, are a dope.

the wait for this ride is long enough to test anyone’s resolve!

Look, if that’s what you’re thinking, then I’m not the only idiot marketing works on.  Sure, on the surface Disney World SEEMS like it IS for kids. It’s got all the goofy rides (get it? Goofy? Hee hee!) and the great theming and store after store after shop after cart after vending machine full of overpriced crap that kids just love. But, believe you me…DISNEY WORLD AIN’T FOR KIDS. And you’ve got to have your head examined if you’re considering taking your kids there.

O Ver Load

So the question remains…if it seems like it’s for kids, then why isn’t it? Well, I can sum it up in one word for you, but take several articles to explain it: Overload.  It’s too much, plain and simple.  Too much to do, too much to look at, too much to eat, buy, absorb…what have you.  OVERLOAD.

First of all, the place is huge. It’s twice the size of Manhattan. Wait, let me type that a bit slower for you. ‘Cause I know that it didn’t sink in. Walt Disney World is more than twice the size of Manhattan. It’s got four major parks, 3 water parks, golf courses, more hotel rooms then there are fake boobs in LA (not that i’ve ever been to LA.  just what i hear on tv.  there seems to be a lot of fake breasts out there.). The Magic Kingdom is 107 acres. Animal Kingdom is over 500 acres. I can’t find the acreage of the other 2 parks (cause i’m far too lazy to do that much research.  let’s face it, there’s only so much leg work i’m willing to put in.  sorry.).   But, for argument’s sake, let’s just say Epcot’s got to be four times the size of the Magic Kingdom.  And the Disney Studios?  Well, the Disney Studios is the “Pluto” of theme parks.  It’s not quite big enough to be a planet, but it’s too big to be classified as anything else.

and that’s just the parking lot!

What I’m getting at in my typically long winded sort of way is that’s a shitload of walking in front of you. That’s a lot of walking for a normal person. But a kid with short, puny legs? After five minutes the ‘lil darlings will be complaining how much their legs hurt.

“Daddddyyyy, my feet reallllllllyyyyy hurt!”

“I swear to all that’s good and holy, if anyone else complains how much their feet hurt, I’m really gonna give them something to complain about.”

Hey, feel free to use that last statement.  No charge, either.  It’s a spin on a classic, updated just for your trip to WDW.

lmao! good luck finding yours!

Ok.  So, now you’re thinking just bring a stroller, right?  Great idea!  It’s something else you can lug around with you on the bus, or monorail or ferry boat.  Can always rent one, but be prepared to shell out more of your hard earned money (Hold on.  Hold on.  I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself with the shelling out of the monies, just yet.  Your friendly neighborhood jman needs to stay focused here.  Focused.  Let’s just stick to the topic at hand).

you’re looking at a half mile from here to that stupid ball.

Maybe now you’re kidding yourself by thinking lil Johnny or lil Kelly can just hoof it, because “they’re old enough”.  LMAO!!!  You were thinking that, weren’t you?!?!?  Unless lil Johnny/Kelly is an adult, you better bring yourself two strollers.  Or break into the other kid’s college fund so you can rent  two strollers.  Trust me.  Or you’ll be totally hating yourself  20 minutes into your first day in your first park….

Move along…part 2 is waitin’ for you!

 

15 thoughts on “Disney World Ain’t for Kids. PT1

  1. Now our only problem with my kids who are 7 and 10 was my impatient husband who probably could write something similar if given the chance (i think he was hating before the 20 minute mark even). He was seemingly in a constant hurry and the rest of the family lacked behind.. There were no major complaints (aside from being HOT) from the kids even with shoes killing them, just chicken necks and pauses in the walking to look at all the stuff. I do agree it’s an overload for sure – my head is still kind of spinning but we left without any fatherly threats (although I remember my dad using that “give you something to cry about” routine..)

    • it’s definitely better when the kids are older. and planning. i’m not a planner, but any stretch of the imagination. but, you gotta have a loose schedule/plan for disney.

      and naps. and pool breaks.

      and naps.

  2. Great post! Disney World truly is a behemoth and definitely not something to be taken lightly. We recently took our kids (3 & 6) to Disneyland (with just 2 parks) and decided to give ourselves 6 days there so as not to exhaust the kids. And they rode in the stroller the entire time.
    I think we will save Disney World for when the kids are teenagers…

    • i haven’t been to disneyland in a very long time. but, i’m sure it’s no different the WDW. gotta take your time. and have a TON of patience!

      thanks for commenting!!!

  3. Oh gawd yes, sooo much walking!
    We just got home from a trip to WDW & Universal Studios. My feet have never hated me more!
    I estimated we walked somewhere around 75 miles in the span of 6 days. That’s A LOT of freakin’ walking!!
    My husband read somewhere that people bring 2 sets of shoes & change them mid-day to avoid sore feet. Wish he had told me this BEFORE our trip. I’m still nursing blisters on my blisters!

    • it’s a lot! you almost have to train for all that walking. not to mention all that waiting around, too!

      funny…i bring to pairs of sneaks, too. usually switch off day to day, though.

      thanks for stopping by!

  4. Strollers! Bring the freaking strollers! One that folds into a nice neat little ball. It turns into more of a shopping cart than anything else. Do you really want to carry all of that stuff?

    • that’s exactly what it turns into. a storage/shopping cart. and then, when you gotta ride the bus/monorail/ferry home? you gotta carry all that crap. and the stroller!

      i’ve got a whole thing about the crap there coming up…

  5. Really! Disney is not for kids anymore, it is also perfect for all ages and for me no one can beat what Disney World has to offer everyone!

    • lol! it’s all done in fun and love. the kids and i have been there +7 over the last 15 years. i myself have been there countless more times throughout my life. i’ve been there every season. i’m by no means an expert, by any stretch of the imagination. but i’ve done enough and seen enough of the place to poke a little fun. :)

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