Disclaimer: I have a feeling I’m gonna take a lot of shit for this piece. Probably loose my lucrative Disney sponsorship, in the process. But, what the hell, right?!?!? YOLO! We’re just having a lil fun here. I love WDW probably more than most of you. I’ve taken my kids there several times (Sarah being there the most…at least 5 times). So, make sure your sense of humor is firmly in place before moving any further…
So, you suffered through part 1 of Disney World ain’t for kids. And you’ve come back for some more insight. Look at you! You must really know genius when you see it. Either that, or you’re a sucker for punishment. Which ever. It’s all a matter of degrees (that’s what we in the biz call “foreshadowing”. Fyi.)
For this installment of Disney World Ain’t for Kids, you’re gonna need a map, preferably of the good ol US of A. But, whatever you have on hand is fine. Uhhhh, you know what…never mind. Y’all rely on GPS way too much, so I’m sure you don’t have any maps handy. Which is fine. Finefinefinefine. I’ll provide one for you. We’ll just tack it onto your tuition.
So…did you know that Walt Disney World is in Florida? And did you also know that Florida is somewhat close to the equator? Closer than, say, Minnesota. Now, if you remember from 7th grade science, the closer you are to the equator, the hotter it gets. And beings that Florida is fairly close to the equator, it would stand to reason that it’s hot. Right? Well you’d reason wrong. Because, it ain’t hot. It’s the 5th level of Dante’s inferno. Especially in the summer!
And the thing is, you’re probably gonna take the kids to Disney in the summer. Cause, god forbid you take the lil darlings out of school. Timmy might not make it into Harvard if he misses a week of school. What’s the big deal? We all can’t be winners. As the ol’ man is fond of saying, someone’s got to test the Velcro.
I know. I know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: What’s the big deal? Why should I take my kid out of school during the year? They’re off for three months in the summer! Look, if that’s what you’re thinking, then you’re in for a long suffering. And here’s why. In the summer, the Earth tilts on its axis and blah, blah, blah (I mean, c’mon! You’re friendly neighborhood jman isn’t a scientician, now). Long story short, Florida is that much closer to the sun in the summer then, say, the winter. So unless you’re a Floridian native, or you live in Texas, Arizona, New Mexico or Southern California, summer in Florida ain’t quite what you’re used to.
But, there’s one more reason why Florida has a special kind of heat. See that map? Take a good look at it. Notice all that water around Florida? “They” call that a “peninsula”. If you think back to middle school geography, a peninsula is defined as “a piece of land that is bordered by water on three sides but connected to mainland” (thank you Wikipedia!!!!). What does this have to do with the rain in Spain? Well, I’ll tell you. Water = humidity. Lots of water = lots of humidity. Heat + Humidity = you not being the happiest of campers around. Especially with all that walking you’ve got to do in Disney World.
You know what I can’t stand, though? When the weather folks say stupid stuff like: “With the humidity it feels like 110.” Do we really need to know that? It just seems like such a stupid thing to say. When it’s hot, it’s hot. Once it reaches 95 degrees, is anybody noticing the difference anymore?
“Gee, Dave I hear it’s going to be like 96 today.”
“Yea, Tony, but with all this humidity doesn’t it feel like 110?”
“No you idiot, it feels like it’s too fucking hot to be outside.”
I normally would digress here, but I have a point. In Florida, humidity matters. Like, if you’re a fan of breathing, don’t go to Florida in the summer. Cause with all that humidity, the air in Florida is thicker than pea soup.
So, take a piece of advice from your friendly neighborhood jman, don’t take the kids to Disney World. But since you’re not going to listen, if you have to, don’t take them in the summer. You’ll totally hate yourself 20 minutes into your first day there if you do.
And you’ll have no one to blame but yourself! Cause I warned you!
Right this way for Part 3