Disney World Ain’t for Kids. Pt3

Disclaimer:  I have a feeling I’m gonna take a lot of shit for this piece.  Probably loose my lucrative Disney sponsorship, in the process.  But, what the hell, right?!?!?  YOLO!  We’re just having a lil fun here.  I love WDW probably more than most of you.  I’ve taken my kids there several times (Sarah being there the most…at least 5 times). So, make sure your sense of humor is firmly in place before moving any further…

Welcome back to Disney World Ain’t for Kids. It’s been some good stuff up to this point, right? All the things you never thought of and didn’t know to ask.  But, that’s what I’m here for. That, and the dollar off coupons to the Golden Trough.


If, by some chance, you didn’t read part 1 or part 2 of this epic series, you may want to go back and review, because this is where things might start to get a bit hairy. I’m gonna be referring back to those articles, and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, what good would that be?  For any of us?

So!  With that being said…

bigger than the state of new jersey!

If you recall from part 1, I talked about how big Walt Disney World is. Well, here’s the funny part, and it’s kinda ironical (not in the good way, either). The place is huge, but the parks are usually so frigging packed that you gotta wait in line for everything.   Let me spell that out for you. E V E R Y T H I N G.  It’s very reminiscent of buying lunch meat at your local supermarket on Saturday morning. God only knows why you would go then, but you go anyway. You’ve just gotta have your Pimento Loaf.  It’s only one thing, besides.  In and out.

seriously. who’s still eating this stuff?!?!?

But, just as you stroll down the aisle toward the deli counter, you get that uneasy feeling. Like something ain’t quite right. And as you leave the aisle to walk toward the meat counter, it hits you. Are all these people waiting for lunchmeat?!?!?!? “Ughhhh…WTF!?!?” You think to yourself (who else would you be thinking too?!?!?) as you pull ticket 237 from the magical ticket makin’ machine.

step right up. don’t be shy. cause you will not believe your eyes!

You don’t want to, but you have to look. What number are they up to? 194? The worst part of this, though? You have nothin’, NO THING to do. And your phone is only gonna entertain you for like 50 seconds. Have a nice sufferin’!  The good part? By the time they call your number, you’ll know EXACTLY how many grey hairs the old lady in front of you has.

and you’re STILL in line an hour later.

That above beautifully described scene (suck it Mark Twain)…painful, right?  Well multiple that by 12, because that’s what the wait in line for a ride at Disney World is like. But, without all that delicious anticipation of bringin’ home cured meats.  Oh…and plus the heat.  Can’t forget about the Floridian heat you’ll be waiting in.

“Wait. Wait. I never had a chance to love you. Wait. Wait…”

Even if you’re smart enough not to take your kids in the summer, you’re still gonna wait in lines, I may or may not, be sorry to inform you.  I know.  I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking:  “It’s probably not as crowded in the fall, or the winter or spring.  Right?” And I would respond with an affirmative (surprised by that one?). But…but, you’re still gonna wait for rides. No matter the time of year.

will some rugrat please explain to me what is so great about this ride?

Let’s take, for example, the Dumbo ride.  Unless you beeline it to the ride (and by beeline, i mean dragging the little darlings as fast as you can) right when the park opens, you’re gonna be waiting in line at least 45 minutes.

skid marks left from all the lil kids’ sneakers as they’re being dragged across the parking lot.

Yes.  45 MINUTES! Now it is true your friendly neighborhood jman is prone to exaggeration most times.  But, this time, I’m not.  I swear!  And here’s why:  Dumbo only holds like 16 kids at a time (now, I know that WDW recently expanded the capacity of Dumbo.  Doubling it, I think.  I haven’t experienced the new and improved ride first hand, yet.  But, I’d still wager dollars to donuts you’re gonna be waiting a substantial chunk of time for the pleasure). So, unless Dumbo is your first ride at opening time…you’re waiting.

yup! that’s you in there. waiting for your 2 minute spin!

Maybe your strategy is to convince your kids not to go on Dumbo at all.  Ha!  Good luck with that!  Cause no amount of begging, pleading or all around lobbying on your part is gonna convince your kids not to go on Dumbo. The kids, they love Dumbo. WTF, I say. That’s what I don’t get about kids. Don’t they realize that they are only going around in circles for 2 minutes? Get out the calculators here, folks. You’re gonna wait at least 45 minutes to go around in a flying elephant for less than 2 minutes! That sounds like time well invested to me!

may be a smidge better if it actually went this fast.

I’ve got more to say, but were really running a bit long here.  So, I’mma do a Harry Potter and the Deathly Howls here and split this article into two parts.  Don’t worry.  Don’t worry.  Everthing’s gonna be alright.

ha! ha! no it’s not, mon. especially waiting in those lines!

Next up?  Part 3.5.  Yes.  3.5.

2 Replies to “Disney World Ain’t for Kids. Pt3”

  1. Who takes their kids there, I think it is a trick! And why are the lines for Mr. Toads Wild Ride always longer than any other ride in the park – I have long wanted an explanation for this phenomenon!

    1. that i don’t know. mr toad’s wild ride closed at disney world a while ago. they replaced it with a winnie the pooh ride. (bor-ring). i haven’t been to disneyland in at least 20 years. 🙁

      i will say this, though. mr toad’s wild ride was always a lot of fun!

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