Disclaimer: I have a feeling I’m gonna take a lot of shit for this piece. Probably loose my lucrative Disney sponsorship, in the process. But, what the hell, right?!?!? YOLO! We’re just having a lil fun here. I love WDW probably more than most of you. I’ve taken my kids there several times (Sarah being there the most…at least 5 times). So, make sure your sense of humor is firmly in place before moving any further…
“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot” – Groucho Marx
Part 4!?! Wow! Seems like just 2 months ago I posted part 1. Those were the days, weren’t they? A Starbucks on every corner. $3.70 for a gallon of gas. Man! Those were the good ol’ days. Wish I could go back. If I could buy a time machine, I would go back to those days. Right after I went back in time and had some QT with Marilyn Monroe, gave pastJesse a stern lecture bout marriage, and had mojitos with Mark Twain. Damn the makers of time machines. Damn them straight to hell.
But, enough about me. It’s time to move on. The wake doesn’t move my ship forward. I do!
So, in case you suffer from short term memory loss, or are just too lazy to click on the links on the right, here’s the recap: Walt Disney World ain’t for kids, in my estimation. Why? It’s too big. It’s too hot. And the lines are too long. You need more convincing? Ok. Read on then, soldier…
This time, it’s all about the Benjamin’s. I hope you worked hard all year. Socked away plenty of overtime. Cause you’re gonna need it. And not just to get to Disney World, either. Although, between you and me, I’d consider planning a series of bank heists to help pay for this crazy trip you’re thinking about taking (And hey, before you start, I’m not condoning bank robberies. I don’t need to be called as a witness or a suspect if you’re dumb enough to follow thru with what I’m saying here. I’m kinda speaking metaphorically. Kinda).
Just to get to Disney World and to stay for a week you’re looking at a couple grand. Oh, you read that right. A couple of grand! I’m talking for a family of four, here on out. If you’re like me and no one ever told you not to have four kids, you’re obviously gonna need more flow. Keep in mind that it’s significantly cheaper for only 2 people to go. Even that much cheaper for one! Leave ‘em all at home, Kemosabe!
Ok. So, you’ve managed to put aside a small payroll to get WDW. Better add a few more banks to that chain heist your “planning”. You’re gonna need double that for hanging there for the week. Cause that +2 grand you socked aside? That’s just getting you there. There’s plenty of other things you haven’t even considered yet.
I know. I know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “C’mon, my friendly neighborhood jman! You’ve got to be exaggerating. You’re always exaggerating.” Well, yea, I’m a big fan of telling large tales. But, I ain’t here. I’ll break it down for you. If you’re like me, you get thirsty every once in awhile. Picture this, if you will:
It’s your first full day in Disney World. You’ve been in the Magic Kingdom 45 minutes. And it is hot. Bloody hot. You see a cart selling cold, refreshing drinks. Nice! God, that’s nice! You saunter on over to the cart.
“How much is it for a water?” You ask the cast member manning the cart.
“2.50.” the cast member responds, pleasantly enough.
“2.50????” You repeat, realizing you definitely did not bring enough monies.
Yea, that’s right. And you know you have to buy one of those refreshing beverages for everyone in the clan. So, you’re looking at 10 dollars (family of four, remember?). Yes, 10 FUCKING DOLLARS JUST FOR COLD, REFRESHING BEVERAGES. At least it’s refreshing. My advice? Besides cancelling everything and heading to Hedonism by yourself? Only buy 1 beverage a day. They’ve got plenty of water fountains around.
You like to eat, right? I’m sure your kids like to also. Well, you’re gonna pay for all that eating you like to do. Even if you’re like me, and you go the cheapest way (that means eating only breakfast and dinner at the counter restaurants. I don’t love the family that much to spend $17 a person for an all you can eat buffet.), you’re still looking at 50 bucks a day.
And snacks? You know those kids are a pain in the ass when it comes to snacks. “Daddy, I’m hungry. I want ice cream. I WANT ICE CREAM” It’s like the angels are singing, isn’t it? Anyway, those Mickey Mouse ice creams are a few bucks each. So are the pretzels, the turkey legs and the blah, blah, blah. Very long story short? It’s a lot of money.
It ain’t over yet, though. I haven’t even covered the souvenirs…
If you just turn slightly to your left, you’ll see Part 5 standing in the corner.
castle: Photomatt28 on flickr
Refreshement sign: guide2wdw.com
Mickey ice cream: chipandco.com
Money: 401(K) 2012 on flickr
dante painting: charlesdickinson.net
Hedonism sign: Ack Ook on flickr