Photo Essay: My Two Hours at Chuck E Cheese’s

Ahhhh…Chuck E  Cheese’s.  Every parent’s nightmare.  Every kid’s dream.  Kelly Marie recently had her son, Jimmy’s, 4th birthday party there.  God!!!  The things we parents do for our kids.  If those lil turds only knew…they’d probably make our lives even more miserable.

it’s par-TAY time!

Now, most parents would shudder at the mere thought of going to this orgy of faux kid fun.  Believe you me, I do too Not me, because my first thought was:  Post!  My second thought:  The things I do for this fucking blog of mine.  My 217th thought:  How can I get me that new Macbook Air I fingered to death at Best Buy over the weekend.

it’s so fucking great, it floats!

Chuck is in the middle of an identity crisis, it appears.  In the marketing/advertising end of it all, his handlers have upgraded his look to this:

even more rat-like

And if you’ve noticed, he sounds a lot like the cats from Bowling for Soup.  He’s also got some sort of grunge update, I guess for all you younger parents that grew up in the 90’s, as opposed to the hair metal days of the late 80’s.

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The restaurants, though?  They still have that pre-Chuck E Cheese update charm.

these animatronics aren’t too creepy!
And does Disney/Marvel (sucks) even know about this?
no family likes being around each other this much. and is that kid on the right having a seizure?

Chuck’s handlers have upgraded their fare, too.  Apparently it’s not just about the kids or pizza anymore.

If they really cared about the adults, they’d install full services bars.  Or…maybe that’s not such a great idea, either.  Too many folks probably be getting stuck in the Tubes of Lost Children.

Daddy…mommy’s not coming out of the tubes!

It’s still about the tickets and the crappy toys at Chuck E Cheese’s.  I don’t know what it is about kids, but they LOVE crappy, plastic toys that end up in the trash 30 seconds after you get back home.

I’d wager that if you were to melt all the shit on that wall, you’d be able to fuel 17 cars for 17 years.

One of the smartest things they’ve done is install these ticket munchers.  No more standing in line at the counter while lil Johnny whines about which piece of plastic his mom’s gonna throw out when he gets home.

munch, munch, munch, munch…

Nope!  Now you gotta stand in line behind the most impatient parents shoving little pieces of paper into this stupid machine.  While their kids screams bloody murder about the toy he/she/it wants, but is about to find out they don’t have nearly enough tickets for.  Ahhhh…get used to the disappointment, kids.  It smells a lil like Pine Sol, don’t it?

only 750 tickets for one of these kids!

They do have these handy dandy dispensers located around the restaurant.  I lathered myself up at regular intervals while I was there.  Kids are good for a bunch of things, one of which is being lil carrier monkeys.  And places like Chuck’s are an open invitation to get sick 3 days after your visit.

All told, the party was relatively painless.  The kids have a good time.  And your friendly neighborhood jman didn’t have to go crawling after any rugrats in the Tubes of Lost Children, which is always nice.  Plus, I got a pic with the man mouse hisself!

my buddy. my buddy!


Images courtesy of:

Macbook air:
CEC sign:

One Reply to “Photo Essay: My Two Hours at Chuck E Cheese’s”

  1. Some stray observations on why I find YOU so fucking hilarious. Let’s start with this: “he sounds a lot like the cats from Bowling for Soup.” Until today, I had never heard of Bowling for Soup, and I was expecting to hear actual cats singing a song called, “Bowling for Soup.” Imagine my surprise when I experience some batch of guys singing some song. Okay, still funny. I move on. But the bit about the 17 car for 17 years? Masterful. I’ve been to Chuck E. Cheese exactly once. Never, ever, ever again. That right there is some lurid shit. I’m already at Def Con 11. I don’t need no Def Con 17.

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