Okokokok! You forced it out of me! I went shopping on Black Friday! There! You happy now? You feel better about yourself getting it out of me?!?!? I couldn’t help it! As much as I rail against it, as much as I look in disgust and disdain at my fellow humans for acting like half crazed animals feasting on the tender flesh of a baby seal…I, your beloved friendly neighborhood jman, also went shopping on Black Friday.
And for that I am shamed. But, that’s only part of my lie.
Because I didn’t exactly go shopping on Black Friday. I mean, I did, but, ummm…I was at Target on Thanksgiving night, too.
You may commence with the hurling of stones and insults. I deserve it.
But, WAIT! Before you do, I’ve got a perfectly good reason for why I went. Which I can’t totally reveal here because…it was for a Christmas present. “A” present. As in “one”. It was a helluva deal, though. That I totally couldn’t pass up. So…I went to Target.
To all those Target employees forced to work on Thanksgiving because of folks like me… I’m truly and deeply sorry.
In exchange for my lack of willpower, I do have a photo essay to share out of the deal. Hopefully that will make things better between all the Target employees and myself.
I get my one item at Target and head to the registers. Turns out that the registers were running at full capacity, but there still was a line. A line that was to the refrigerated section. Now, I’m sure that all the Targets are set up pretty much the same. But, just in case they aren’t. Let me just put that in perspective. The line for the registers WAS ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE OTHER END OF THE STORE.
Which isn’t even the worst part. The line serpentined through all the aisles from where I stood at the south pole of Target straight thru to the registers. And in my time in line, I decided what better way to share my pain entertain my listeners than by taking some pics for a new photo essay. So, walk with me, if you will, out of grocery and into Health and Beauty.
Truth be told, I didn’t really come up with this idea until I came across the above item. So, I was already a few aisles into HBA (that’s Health, Beauty and Accessories in the retail biz) at this point. But, I know you’ll forgive me for yet another stretcher on my part.
In the meantime, come on! You gotta admit this is a pretty good deal on lube. Buy it and get 10 bucks toward a movie! If the steak dinner doesn’t get her excited on Date Night, then taking her to see The Expendables 2 definitely will!
Moving right along…Hello Kitty? WTF. No for real. I’m writing this one out. What the fuck. I don’t get it.
But, as we make our way through Health and Beauty, we come across Beyoncé perfume´ Heat Rush. And it’s only $9.99! That’s a SCREAMING deal to smell like Beyoncé. I picked up several for Kelly Marie, Sarah and Natalia. Those girls are gonna be soooooo happy!
Nonono. Target doesn’t have a sex toy aisle now. You silly perverts, you! Those are dog toys. We’ve made it through to the Pet aisle! We’re getting closer to the registers. In the meantime, though…I swear, if those “toys” were painted pink or purple? I wouldn’t be surprised if you saw more porn stars in Target. Hey. Don’t make fun. Porn stars need life’s staples, too! Can I get an amen, porn stars? No?
If I had a cat, I’d get he/she/it one of these things. I like the look on the sardines. Should’ve bought one for Jakob. He’d probably be all about it.
Moist and Meaty? I dunno. Just sounds kinda wrong.
And if I did have a cat? I definitely wouldn’t feed it this shit! Wild Salmon Florentine? I don’t get to eat anything with those three words in it. Let alone feed it to a cat it. Fucketh thateth! My cat would have to fight Snowflake for his Kibbles and Bits. Actually kinda reminds me of Randy Quaid in Christmas Vacation.
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Well! Look at that! We’re at the registers! That wasn’t too bad, now was it?!?! Only took about 20 minutes. And I saved 70 bucks! It’s god damn great to be a capitalist!
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